Howdy people. How's it going? Thought I'd vent my spleen about the rotund fellow I share air with here at work, because I actually think he's driving me to an early grave. I can't handle it anymore. I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT!!!!

What wuld you think if someone came up to you and said, "Landlords generally won't pay out for an olde style folk band, they expect quality but they're not willing to stump up for the artist's effort, and we both know musicians only work so they can afford more kit! HAHAHAHA! They're all of a certain age down there though, so we needened make outrselves too pretty for each other, y'know."

etc. etc., bloody etc.

Let me guess, you'd go "Sorry, you have the wrong person. I didn't ask you about any of that and I don't need or want to hear about it. Leave me alone, your coffee breath makes me wretch and your beard stains certainly don't help matters you irritating Scottish man". Or something along those lines. I wish I could say that, I really do, but I just have to sit there and put up with it all freakin' day. He just imposes himself upon you, invades your personal space and sets up camp for however long he can go without 'nipping to the heads' (bog), or making yet another cup of thick, chewy black coffee. Also, wherever possible a meaningless cliche will be used in place of the actual meaningful equivalent in English. "Such is life", "we have fun here don't we", "isn't life grand", etc etc etc. This would be bareable if it were not for the fact that a response or reaction is expected. It's a cold day in this boring job, and all I can think about is how best to do myself in should he start spouting meaningless drivel again, and he asks me "isn't life grand" (it isn't a question I know, but that's my point, he wants a response). Now, clearly life, at that moment, is not grand. It is the opposite, and my honest response should be "not really, life's boring and it's getting worse by the second", but I can't hurt his little feelings can I? I've started going "I don't know how to answer that", in the hope that he'll give it up, but I get the feeling his family have humoured him with responses for years and he is used to this, so I'm going to have to be more offensive if I'm to put an end to this chirade. One option is to become really boisterous and cheeky, and respond by jumping out of my chair and going "YEAH! YEAH LIFE IS F*CKING INCREDIBLE DAVID! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT SO MUCH! SPANK ME!! ETC ETC!!!", thus confusing/scaring him into submission. The problem is I arrive at work demotivated already, so I'd have to be in an unusually happy mood to pull that one off. Another option is to f*ck his feelings and be really harsh, because after all I didn't ask to be bored to such extremities. "We have fun here don't we?" he'd say. "Shut the hell up Dave, your monotonous harping on is driving me to tears" I'd reply, before giving him the web address for these dits and sitting back to watch him crumble. Not nice, granted, but I'm running out of options here people. I really am running out of options.

One other thing to mention. Today someone asked David when we were open until. I had my headphones on, but David still proceeded to attempt conversation. I turned around and took my headphones off, he asked, I gave the answer (which he knew anyway, he only asked me for theatrical purposes), and he then told the guy that I'd be here and he should "speak sweetly to Matt and he'll sort you out, HAHAHAHAHA!!!" I mean, that's not neccessary. Just speak like a normal human and stop embarrassing me, as well as our visitors. Only one person laughs at David's jokes. I think we all know who that is.