David's Dits, or the Blog of David

Monday, January 08, 2007

OK so I know I havn't written anything for a while, a fact that may disappoint certain regular readers due to the fact that I had the pleasure of going on a training week with David before Christmas (potential comedy gold).

Dec. 11-15 2006, Marriott Hotel, Slough. Yes, Slough, one of the worst places in the world as prophesized (sp?) by Sir John Betjeman in that episode of the Office ("come friendly bombs and fall on Slough" etc). The hotel was pretty awesome, and I had some tail to chase (with disappointing results), two factors that may have contributed to the quiet time on the David front. He hobbled about from place to place, occassionally trapping some unfortunate soul in an unneccessarily long conversation about something very boring no doubt, but didn't embarrass anyone by standing up in front of a crowded room and making a vague point about something he knew nothing about (as I've become accustomed to). First two nights I got smashed and on the third night I went to see Chelsea grind out a boring 1-0 win over Newcastle at Stamford Bridge, so I avoided evening liasons with our man David. So that's why I havn't written about those exploits, because not much happened.

In fact, it annoys me slightly. I have always assumed that his farting is something uncontrollable, and as a result I have often felt compelled to give him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to old age. However in the entire time in Slough, I didn't hear him fart once. When we compare this to the alarming regularity of his violent arse coughs at work, something is clearly up. I smell (ha) a rat. I have conspiricy theories. Maybe he reads this and takes revenge by 'accidentally' farting on me at work. He really seems to force them out nowadays. But alas, today is the first day at work after the Winter hols and he has expelled no obvious rectal blasts. Perhaps he is lulling me into a false sense of security?

Or perhaps not. He is noticeably fatter than I remember, if this is possible, and he has seemingly missed 'spinning dits' at unwitting young Naval recruits. This morning he gave some poor guy an ECDL induction that lasted an hour and a half. AN HOUR AND A HALF! They take me about 25-30 mins because I know people just want to get on with it. When I walked in Dave asked me "do you want to sign him up or shall I?". At 9am, having had 4 hours sleep (bloody cold), what would your answer be? Little did I know that my answer would condemn the bloke in question to a torturous session of ear-bending, David stylee.

Well I don't feel guilty. "Are we having fun?" has already pissed me off no end and we're barely back a day.


Haha! If this was the David from David vs. Goliath, I can see why David won!