It's been a quiet couple of days in the world of David, until now that is. I'm beginning to think I'm getting used to his ways, blocking out the worst of it by distancing myself from him. He snared me today though, good and proper. Here is my experience, in dramatic prose form;

That slightly open mouth, those whithered lips, repeatedly moistened by his reddy-pink slug of a tongue. I struggle to remember what I'm talking about as I dry heave at the sight of this tubby man licking away as his pink-tinged eyeballs stare back at me like that of the undead. He replies, but I don't hear him. I try to think of bombings, the holocaust, anything to remind me there are worse things in the world than looking at that revolting sight. He stands up to hobble off downstairs for black coffee, pausing to call back "such is life my dear boy, AHAHAHAHAHA". The laughter echoes through my soul like the death of a close friend. Haunting. Just haunting.

He certainly lightened up a sales pitch I was giving an Officer yesterday for the ITQ. Halfway through my spiel, he stands next to us downstairs and lets rip an almighty torrent of farts. An oriental soldier chuckles as he climbs the stairs. FINALLY! Confirmation that I'm not imagining it! I got so used to people just ignoring his parps that I started to think it was all in my imagination. Unable to ignore it myself, I stop mid-sentence, and turn to Dave with "you alright there?", to which he replies, "Yep, £60 it is". So rather than acknowledge the school of 'trouser frogs' getting vocal in his pants, he decided to join in our conversation.

I wasn't referring to the ITQ numb-nuts! Does it not bother you that farting on people is practically your hobby?

"Brrrrum padom-pom"
Yes! A new variation! Huzzah!

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Today's music to ignore David to is Ys by Joanna Newsom. Not because I'm listening to it, but because the track Emily is stuck in my head, where I retreat to when this place makes me think I'm going insane.

So I'm home right now; finished at 2pm. Pretty busy day at work. Morning was quite quiet so I spent it catching up on admin, then three people came in after one another to be enrolled onto the ECDL. Each one takes about half an hour and is pretty knackering, as the whole thing is kind of like a presentation, showing the learner how to access the course and submit work etc. So a pretty knackering day for me.

And what did David do?
Fuck All.

Apart from starting the day with the customary fart up the stairs he literally did nothing except sit in the office and drink coffee (black, two scoops of coffee), staining his beard in the process. So not many opportunities for dits, as he didn't even bother sititng at his desk all day.

However when I told him I had nothing planned for tonight he suggested that I take up the Jewish harp, because "people really take notice when you start playing that".

Ooo-kaaaay

And again...

"Ever tried Turkish coffee?"

"No David, I havn't as it happens"

"They boil it up and throw it from one pot to another. It's quite spectacular to watch. Rather than strain it out and then drink it they drink it and strain it out! (Cue fit of laughter at own joke)."

"Oh right. You off to lunch then?"

"Of course the Greeks claim it's Greek tea..."

Help!

So David has been doing his ECDL this morning, resulting in a quiet and surprisingly boring office. With nothing to do, I casually say to David "how is your ECDL going?"

Big mistake.

Somehow, within a minute he's talking at me about how Nepal is the 12th poorest country in the world, and how if that's the 12th poorest he'd hate to see what the poorest is (cue many inappropriate fits of laughter at his own jokes).

Then he moves on to talk about a guy called Tom who moved to Nepal to look after the poor kids and help a community. This would actually be very interesting if he didn't make rubbish gags every 30 seconds (for example, he referred to the child porters as 'wirey fellas with calves the size of tree trunks', then exploded with laughter).

Then he moves on to talk about an eccentric Jewish millionaire who funded the whole thing. When David uses the word 'eccentric' you know he's only telling you the story so he can amuse himself, and he does, many times, despite my expressionless face and obviously uninterested 'mmhmmm's. He went on at me for 20 minutes, during which time I found myself thinking "when did I ask about Nepal?", and on several ocassions I had completely forgotten how the conversation had started in the first place. It just doesn't feel real when things get like that. I kept expecting Beadle to pop out from behind a pillar and reveal all the hidden cameras. A surreal experience that makes me question the very fabric of space and time, what's real and what's not real.

However, like all good things, it finally came to an end. He went back to his ECDL course, which had long since given up on him and changed to the screensaver. 5 minutes later, however;

"Aaaaaaarrrrrrroooooooeeeeeeee"

A piercing bloody scream that seemed to convey a lot of pain. I honestly thought a teenaged Japenese girl had been stabbed in the foot or something. I stared at him, trying to find out what is wrong, to which he replied;

"It's ok, it's ok, I thought the apostrophe was in the wrong place in the instructions" (on his ECDL).

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

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Music to ignore David to;

Phil Collins- ...Hits

...because anything's better than having my headphones off.

Pointless recurring question of the day;

"Are we having fun?"

I find it so hard to answer this question. He asks me it every day, it's like his way of saying 'hello'. If I was having fun it would be obvious, and I wouldn't be sat in front of the mountain of paperwork that he has left me to do for him. I certainly wouldn't be sat here listening to him babble on that's for sure.

The curious thing is that if he asks me the question and I just ignore him, he seems quite content and doesn't follow it up, so is there really any point in the question at all?

Then again, does David do anything that harbours meaning? I'll let you decide for yourselves.

"Brrrom pom pom pom pom"

Music to ignore David to; I forgot my i-pod today :(

Brrrom Pom Pom Pom

Obviously I can't hear what's being said on the other end, but it's my guess that this wasn't entirely in line with the start of David's telephone call with the IT technician. Suddenly he goes;

"Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One of them says; 'Do you smell fish?'"

I've highlightd the key to the genius of this dit, because I had to get him to explain it to me. I think there's part of my brain that is ignorant to jokes of this quality. Kevin asked if I was blonde; referring to the fact that I didn't get the joke and the old stereotype that blondes are stupid, swiftly followed by "do you want a hamburger?" Apparently this comment refers to the following "joke";

'A blonde walks into a library and shouts 'HELLO!' 'Shhh', says the librarian, 'this is a library'. 'Oh sorry', whispers the blonde, 'can I get a hamburger meal please?'

The stupid thing is that after Kevin's original comment him and David wouldn't tell me what the joke was. Kevin didn't tell me because he wanted to wind me up. David didn't tell me becaue he didn't know, but wanted to make it look like he was winding me up. That's Naval banter for you.

The internet just went down on all our computers. Never fear, David can fix it!

GOOD NEWS: David got the internet working again.

BAD NEWS: He farted on me in the process.

:(

3.21pm

As he leaves, a little fart parps onto my desk. The final insult.

Several others escape during the walk down the stairs also.

And my tea's gone cold.

http://www.heptune.com/farts.html

It's quarter to 3, and David's just informed me that he has a doctor's appointment in an hour. He starts the conversation with "I'm just gonna make some tea (AKA: Do you want your bucket filled?)", so as to appear generous, and then checks that I can stay late until he gets back.

Why oh why oh why didn't he ask me yesterday instead of an hour before he's off? I ask him every week if he's OK with our normal hours and every week he says yes. If it was his day to work until half 4 he'd be off by ten past.

As he hobbled down the metal steps I found myself wondering whether that huge belly would cusion his fall or make it harder, what with the extra weight. I hope this never happens, because it would be a hilarious sight and people might get the wrong impression if my immediate reaction involves an outburst of laughter. I would still be concerned, it would just be funny.

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I've realised that sweet songwriter music is the right thing for working here. Now it's the turn of Sufjan Stevens' 'Illinoise', which I think is good but far too long.

So I’ve decided to keep a records of my collegue (or “boss”) and his strange ways, because it may make for an entertaining read. Perhaps I’ll even be able to sneak in a few photos of the plump white haired chap for your enjoyment. Or maybe not. I’m not James Bond for God’s sake. I wanted this blog to be entitled ‘The Blog of David’ because it sounds vaguely biblical, and sounds almost as monumental and wise as Dave thinks he is. However someone else already took that title, so instead it’ll be called ‘David’s Dits’, with the word dit being the Naval term for story of tale. We’re on a Naval base you see.

It’s only 11.33am, and already David has spun a glorious dit for the pleasure of all those close enough to hear it (this is everyone in the building and most people immediately outside also). So there he was, enrolling a young recruit onto a course to improve his Maths skills for his upcoming course, and Dave’s giving him the usual spiel about ‘what we’re trying to achieve’ through Learn Direct, and for once the victim is awake and seems genuinely interested. So David finally finds someone as enthusiastic about learning as he says he is, and what does he do? Interrupts this guy asking a GENUINELY VALID question to spin this dit;

D: “So there was this shepherd…”

VICTIM: “Basically I think if I get this work done today I think I’ll be ready to take the Numeracy exam tomorrow morning…” (he continues here and asks Dave a question about something or other. Dave ignores this).

D: “Yeah. So there was this shepherd, and he had a sheepdog that could talk. One morning the shepherd tells the sheepdog to go out and check on the sheep, just to check they’re all there. So the sheepdog goes out and does what he does, and he finally gets back to the shepherd and says ‘50’. The shepherd goes, ‘but I only bought 48 sheep’.

‘I know’, says the sheepdog, ‘I rounded them up’.”

The look of shock and bewilderment on the victim’s face is always priceless. David hasn’t farted or licked his lips at me yet today, but I’m almost certain that he will. Earlier he made his meaningless ‘brrrom pom pom” noise that drives me up the wall. I had to count to ten a few times.

Today’s ‘Music to Ignore David to’ (a.k.a.- what I listen to with my headphones to block him out), is Fionn Regan’s ‘The End of History’. It’s quite calming actually, so perfect for this purpose. He still can’t grasp that when my headphones are on I generally can’t hear him.




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