David's Dits, or the Blog of David

Monday, March 12, 2007

No Dits today. No wisdom imparted upon me. No farts. Why? David's not in today, that's why. Why is he not in? Here's why. Because he was 'involved in a collision' with a cyclist at a roundabout. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but if a cyclist had a collision with a car (and a big car at that), there would surely only be one likely winner. A 'collision' just makes it sound like the driver was in danger, when from what I've heard it really just sounds like David wasn't looking and pulled out in front of the cyclist. I can just imagine his reaction when it happened. "AAAAIIIIAAARHGGHH!!!"

Anyway, the cyclist went off to the hospital to have his shoulder examined and David is at home recuperating.
Bless him.

I'd forgotten how peaceful it can be around here. It's been a good day thus far! Might read Ronaldinho's autobiography.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

The Hunter Becomes the Hunted

There have been a few frankly shocking developments in the world of David recently. I will start with the two most prevalent, and then probably ramble for a bit about other stuff that grinds my gears. First up;

David has new glasses; He went to Boots and got 2 for the price of one on reading glasses. How do I know? He told me on several occassions, a couple of which I listened. To be fair to him they complete his look. The slightly pervy glasses enhance his 'portly University professor' look; the best he can hope for considering his size and age. He now looks almost exactly like this;

The great thing about this photo is that old Saint Nick is even giving that look David gives when he's about to whip out a cracking maritime joke about something totally unrelated to the conversation. For example; Someone asks what the password is for the internet access. He tells them, then says "We like to keep it simple. We know what kind of people come in here! AHA TSS TSSSH MWA HA!!!"

Seriously, every time. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

David has met his arch nemesis; If you're familiar with the dits, you will know that Dave often manages to be the most irritating and imposing man on earth. He interrupts sentences, farts a lot, and always manages to bore you to tears by talking at you about nothing for 15 minutes when all you had said to him was "I'm off Dave, see you tomorrow morning". So for someone to break David's spirits, they must be quite a boring piece of work. Well readers, not so.

Basically he's this young recruit who has been assigned to help out where we work. Tidying up, doing any lifting that needs doing, etc etc. Thing is, there's not much to do, so he spends a lot of time sitting with me and David, attempting to make conversation. The fact that he's younger and likes some similar stuff to me means I really don't mind, in fact it makes some morning go by quite quickly. David however, does not seem to see eye to eye with him. To explain fully, I will need to reveal another revelation. This is;

David has finally done his ECDL; That's the Electronic Computer Driving Licence in layman's terms. Having been providing the service for almost two years, (it's also a requirement for the job to have passed it), he's finally completed his ECDL. He took it very seriously, sat there for hours on end with his new glasses on, critiquing the material at every available opportunity (and alerting me to it as if I had the power to change the course). So one morning he's doing that, and I'm chatting to the helper guy. Helper guy has a question that he thinks David could help out with, so he asks David. David ignores, or doesn't hear him. He repeats the question;

David spins round on his chair, visibly annoyed, shouts "look, I don't know, I'm actually quite busy here, I really need to concentrate on this", spins around, and resumes his course. This was the single greatest moment of my time at this job. The reasons why;
  • This is exactly what I've wanted to say to Dave on so many occassions. He interrupts me with meaningless drivel so much but I never had the guts to tell him where to go, and then in a second he says precisely what I've dreamt of saying to him. For that second, hebecame both a sickening hypocrite and also my hero.
  • The look on the helper's face was priceless. He is pretty lucky to spend his time chilling out in a library, and to disrupt the status quo just by asking a question could have put his easy job at risk. Hilarious!
  • I've never seen David move that fast. The spin from stationary, the flawless stop, thedelivery, and the return to original position was as if rehearsed. Simply breathtaking.
  • It had nothing to do with me. I actually laughed out loud.
The great thing is that David just doesn't seem to like him. Today the helper asked Dave if he could spend the afternoon revising his Polish lessons, to which David replied "Harumph. A likely tale", and then walked out of the building to lunch. Brilliant! The helper returned after his lunch because he didn't know the score, and upon his return David asked why he hadn't stayed away to do his Polish. I think he going a bit senile.

My finger hurt so that's enough for now. Music to ignore David to doesn't happen anymore because everyone I have more work to do, but I occasionnally hum Spanish Flea in my head to drown out the words.